Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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