My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
