i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
