also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
