Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
