But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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