GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
