it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
