I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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