I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
