I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
