i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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