you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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