even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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