someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
