I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
