I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
