Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
