how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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