im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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