the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
