I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
