I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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