Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize