dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
porn star boner night. come get it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
