So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
