My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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