You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
