I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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