So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
