Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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