My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
