I'm gonna have a badass scar
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
