I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
