she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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