If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
