I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
