You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
