I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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