Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I didn't notice because vodka
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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