The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
