ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
