sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just found a bag of teeth...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
