I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
