I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
