I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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