She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
