that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
