I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize