Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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