i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize