I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
