if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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