I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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