So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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