ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
