OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I intend to get homeless drunk
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize