Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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