the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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